SHRINKING SUNAK IS ANTI-GROWTH

Fears that the rapidly diminishing Priminster of The United Kingdoms of England may soon be too small to see over the despatch box are unfounded say his supporters. They insist that he is actually growing into the role.

Rishi Sunak is getting smaller by the day according to data released by 'OfPOL', the regulator of politician's vital statistics, leading to speculation that he could be microscopic come the General Election. A spokeswheel for OfPOL said, 'We are concerned that Mr Sunak is disappearing before voter's eyes and we have launched an independent enquiry into his shrinkage,' adding, 'lt is a minimum requirement that all politicians must be larger than an amoeba.'

The former banker and hedge fund manager, who made his millions by shorting the pound during the 2008 financial crash, was reportedly nearly 6 foot tall when he started working for Goldman Sachs. By the time he was appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer he had shrunk to 5' 4". Since becoming PM the rate of his diminution has increased at an alarming rate, leading to fears that he may not be visible to the naked eye by Christmas.

ELECTION PLOY

Sources close to Sunak think that having an invisible Tory leader could be an election winner, as faith in politicians is plummeting as fast as his inside leg measurement.

Mr Sunak recently visited the Queens Medical Centre in Nottingham with Health Secretary, Steve Whatshisname, to consult a specialist platform shoe surgeon. Unfortunately, all the medical staff had moved to Australia, so they had a chat with a tall bloke they found in the corridor, thought to be one of the last Tory voters left in the East Midlands.

ANTI-GROWTH

The fun-sized leader has been accused of being anti-growth. Highly respected former PM, Liz Blundertruss, said, 'This. Is. A. Disgrace!' before babbling on about cheese and pork markets or something. We stopped listening to be honest.

Mr Sunak countered this scurrilous claim stating, 'I'm not anti-growth. In fact, it's the opposite. As I get smaller everything else gets bigger which is the very definition of growth.' 

It is thought Sunak is planning to stand on a large box of Farley's Rusks at PMQs. In a bid to allay voter's fears of his lack of visibility he claimed, 'I'm on it.'